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| Steve and Me With Our Friend Reilley at Color Wars Kickoff |
Before I knew it, THON weekend was in high gear. I learned the complete irony of telling a dancer to get a good night's sleep the night before THON kicks off. People who have danced before: am I right or am I right? How do you sleep at all before something that is equivalent to the night before Christmas? Anyway, that's beside the point. The entire Friday of THON weekend before arriving at the All Sports Complex for Dancer Meeting #2, my partner and I texted each other in flurries of excitement. "This can't be happening!" "This isn't real!" "I can't believe it's finally here!" Now let me tell you that I was a Morale committee member for three years. I was used to a lot of time on the floor and I had even been by my sister's side when she danced in THON 2004. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, could have prepared me what was about to come. I'm not sure I fully understood this until the human tunnel began.
Throughout my time at Penn State, I had been one of the students lining the human tunnel at THON each year. The feeling that was in my heart, however, from the other side as a dancer is impossible to convey or describe. My first favorite memory of THON weekend happened in that very same Human Tunnel that I thought I understood. I always believed it was there to get the dancers pumped up, but if people only knew how much it inspires. That day, as I walked through the tunnel near to the BJC, I caught a glimpse of the families. Each of the parents or children that I passed, some holding signs of encouragement, thanked me. They were thanking me? I wish I had been able to stop and hug each and every one of them because in all sincerity, the thank yous belonged to them. Their struggles, their strength and their optimism had changed me so much during my time as a Penn State student. Those children with their bald heads and their big smiles had made me the person I was at that very moment. How could they possibly be thanking me when this was the truth of it all?
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| Human Tunnel Time! |
Upon entering the BJC with Steve, the magnitude of THON began to sink in. We sat on the floor after dropping our belongings and looked around at the entire BJC. We talked about how amazing it was, we marveled over all of the people with similar visions, we joked around as we waited for the first of our THON families to arrive. Then, through the midst of the crowd we saw the Bonners (Amy with her sons Wes and Joey) weaving their way through the colors wearing our purple dinosaur t-shirts. Amy was carrying two gift bags, one for myself and one for Steve. As she sat down next to me on the floor of the BJC, I had my second most revered THON memory. Amy and the boys had made glittery picture frames with a picture of them and their soon-to-be step brothers, Gabe and Drew. Above the photograph of the boys shone the words "Thank You For Brightening Our Journey." Steve and I exchanged smiles and even though the gesture was very thoughtful, that was not the moment that stuck with me throughout the weekend. Amy began to whisper to me in the sea of the loud and brazen. She began to tell me a story.
"I just saw a woman who I haven't seen in ages," she said. "When Wes was in treatment, he had a friend who was always in the hospital at the same time. The woman I just saw was that little boy's mother. Wes survived, and he did not. This weekend, not only think of Wes but think of that little boy and his mom. They will help you through."
My eyes filled up with tears as Amy and I shared a knowing glance and a nod. There was no way in the world that I would give up. I would fight through the pain I would feel over the coming days, and I would fight it for the kids.
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| Almost Time to Dance! |
"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1! GET UP!" Yupp, I lost it. Right there.
Something people always ask me when they ask me about THON weekend is how people do it, how they stay awake for two days straight. I'm sure any other dancer can agree with me when I say this: there was not a single portion of that weekend where it felt like two days. I knew what time it was the entire weekend (highly discouraged by most, so I never said that), but it felt like a series of really phenomenal moments strung together into one long, beautiful, chaotic day.
More moments began to occur like the ones I had had with the families in the Human Tunnel and with Amy:
*My dad is fifty-two and has a poor back, but THON weekend you never would have known that. He carried me around more often than he walked around without holding my weight. Right before the final four hours began, my mom and dad were on the floor and Steve was really starting to fade. My dad looked exhausted and was holding me on his back when he turned around and asked me if I could stand on my own for a little while. I instantly jumped down, believing my dad needed a rest. The second my feet hit the floor, by dad approached Steve and I watched as my dad bent down and put my dance partner's weight on his back. My dad's strength for the sake of keeping us strong kept me going.
*My mom is tiny. She is 5'2" on a good day and that weekend she seemed smaller than ever. But she never hesitated to take on my weight and make it her own. And, when my dad had me on his back, she was always there with a simultaneous back rub or foot massage. My mom's love for me kept me going.
*As the youngest of four girls, I was very lucky THON weekend to have all of my sisters with me. My sister Shannon I was looking forward to especially, as it was my first time seeing her since I found out she was pregnant. She stood on the floor next to me and I rubbed her belly as my brother-in-law piggybacked me around like a pro. I couldn't help smiling at the thought of that baby (who just so happens to now be the cutest nephew a girl could ask for). My sister and her little family kept me going.
*My sister Meghan knows what to do when it comes to morale, so it comes as no surprise that she was incredibly helpful. After Mail Call, my first breakdown began. I was emotional and crying for no reason and what frustrated me even more was knowing I didn't have a reason to be crying. My sister took me into a back hallway of dancer storage, where she had me kneel and massaged my feet as I leaned against a wall. The entire time, she never hesitated to whisper her encouragements to me or help me find my best friends on the floor. My sister's protectiveness kept me going.
*After Mail Call, prior to being in the back hallway of Dancer Storage with my sister Meghan, I spent time with both her and my sister Bridget on the floor. While in my emotional stage, Meghan encouraged me to cry while Bridget understood that I needed a distraction to be happy again. She pulled out these little inspirational note cards with quotes on them and then placed me on her back. Together, we fought our way through the crowd and found every struggling dancer we could. Each time that we saw a dancer who looked tired, we gave them some inspiration. Bridget understood that in order to be moraled I needed to morale other people. Her wisdom kept me going.
*That weekend, I had a best friend who was also dancing with his organization. Any time that I struggled, I sought him out and he did not hesitate to make me laugh or put a smile on my face. His humor in the face of achy feet kept me going. The same could also be said for my buddy Lindsay Beth who seemed to be my own personal Morale Captain, despite having other dancers and committee members to look out for. Right as Lindsay was about to take her committee off of the THON floor for the final time, she found me and my parents. Immediately, we hugged and she cried on me. The fact that my best friend allowed me to help her after helping me the entire weekend kept me going.
*I am obsessed with my cat, as I'm sure you know. When my parents asked me what I wanted them to bring THON weekend, I confidently told them I wanted Cece there. Since she couldn't be, my mom improvised and made a GIANT sign of my cat. On one side it was her awake, on the other it was her sleeping with a giant red line through her face. My mom mounted it for me and I proudly carried her through the crowd. It was a definite conversation starter for sure, but one conversation sticks out in my mind. My sister Bridget was with me and I was simultaneously holding Cece and playing kickball to keep my feet moving. A man approached us and started asking us questions about the sign. Within five minutes, we were sharing all sorts of information with him as he told us how THON never ceases to amaze him. With that, he pointed behind him to a young man. He proceeded to tell my sister and me that his son had been cancer-free for twelve years and they had been coming to THON ever since. He shook my hand and then he was gone. I didn't see him for the rest of the weekend, but I can still visualize him as clear as day. His honesty in that moment kept me going.
*During the final four hours, Charles Millard made his way through the crowd to speak to the dancers. Luckily, I was one of the students who was able to spend a moment with him. Both himself and his daughter encouraged me to keep going. I imagined what it must feel like knowing that your family's heartache could bring so much joy to the world. Mr. Millard's courage kept me going.
These moments all blended together in no sequential order as the weekend rushed by all around me. I couldn't believe my eyes when it was finally Family Hour and there I was, with our tiny organization's circle, surrounded by all of Penn State's love and compassion. I couldn't help but smile to myself as our THON child Wes continued to ricochet exercise balls off of my face throughout the duration of the family speeches, and smiled even wider when prior to Angels Among Us, he screamed "I CALL MIDDLE" and jumped into the center of the circle. That day also, our THON family grew as we were finally able to meet the second family that had been paired with our organization that year, the Espinoza Family. Having Wes and Tony there that day, seeing them both healthy, reminded me of what this had all been for and why THON would continue to be worth it until cancer was eradicated.
And then, just like that, it was all over. The water gun fights, the sore toes, the baby powder lingering in the air, the countless hugs of encouragement were all gone. Steve and I sat and hugged and we held on for dear life and didn't let go for a while. There were $10,686, 924.83 reasons to celebrate, laugh, cry tears of joy and appreciate one another. We went home but we didn't want to. We slept when we all of a sudden weren't tired. And later that week, we got dinner and pored over every single minute of every single hour. It was THAT powerful of an experience.
To the THON 2013 Dancers:
I envy you. I cannot wait to watch you make new memories of your own. Please allow your heart to remain completely open, no matter how much your legs may begin to shake from your weight and no matter how much your arches in your feet may begin to flatten. If you find yourself fading, look for those who seem to be a bit more weary than you feel- make them smile, delight with them, remind them of the feeling of friendship that envelopes THON so tightly. And for once in your life, I will tell you to keep your head down. Keep your head down and see the little ones, the ones who only come up to your knee but understand more about life than you do despite the height and age difference. Look for the siblings who are carrying water guns. Look for the rubber exercise balls that any given child will be willing to play with at any given time. Despite what people may tell you, THON has nothing to do with your physical strength and everything to do with the size of your heart. Trust yourself, trust your vision of a world with no cancer and have the GREATEST WEEKEND OF YOUR LIFE. Seriously, nothing can prepare you for what's to come but believe me when I say that you will never experience a better time in your life.
And lastly, a very special thanks to everyone who helped brighten my journey at THON 2012. I am so thankful for you. Now it's time to Inspire Tomorrow's Miracles!
